fml. again? i don't do things by halves, do i!

Happy 89th Birthday. I hope you're having a good time up there, if you were right about it existing. I hope you found your sweetheart again. I love you.

I sometimes, no, I always wish you were still here. You always knew just what to say and when to say it, when I needed a plain old hug or whether I needed advice. You always knew. I could do with you right now, if I'm honest. I miss our Friday nights in, with our naughty trip to the sweet shop, and us watching Morse and South Park - Our idea of a compromise. & our Saturdays to town, or even just the corner shop and watching films if you were having a bad day. You're still the only person mad enough to let me watch The Sound of Music with you! I really, really miss everything about you. I always will. I just hope you've found a place with your sweetheart where there's no aches or pain. I can't believe it's been three years already. Time flies, I guess.

I hope you, my Granddad & my Grandpa are all looking down on us, if you were right, or atleast looking out for us in your own way. We could all do with an angel on our shoulder at times, and I'm lucky enough to have three.

i have no fight left in me whatsoever.
i'm clearly a mug where that one is concerned.

I have done several things in the past two weeks that I have always said I would never do.
I can't currently decide whether I regret or not. I don't think I do. I don't see why I should, nobody is getting hurt, I don't think. One person may be, though. His problem? I wish that didn't have an affect on me.

We'll see.

i could probably do with a massive massive vent atm, but, i'm supposed to be getting ready for work, so all i'm going to say on the matter is, thanks for that, i thought you had more respect for me than that. if i don't get a worthwhile respsonse within a week, well, less really, i'm going to be ridiculously miffed/upset, but i suppose if it comes to that, everything i didn't want to accept has just been put infront of me - big fat refreshing slap in the face. maybe i needed it.

on the other hand, just been paid, hurrah. defo been taxed, boo. i still need to claim back moneys off adams too, hm. last payment to jmu is on the 1st too, thank god that'll be over with. but i bet sfe will start soon. :/ ridic. everybody i've spoken to in my situation has said they've not had to pay back until they've gone back and finished their education. sly! so i have to chase that up i guess.

easter soon, woo cause people'll be home, boo cause i'll be working loads. SLY that. i'm grateful for the hours, but they defo need to take more staff on, i'm not supposed to be full time. :/ anywho, i best go get ready for work. odd how today is the longest sleep ive had in about two weeks and i'm more tired than i was originally. well, maybe abit less tired, several 5am starts don't bide well with me like, but so. i'm tired and i don't get it. :')

atleast emma's coming round later. i spy a sulk/a rant/a film/munch and general cheering up.

Starbucks

I started today, hurrah. It wasn't too bad - I think it went quite well, everybody was friendly, I didn't burn anyone/anything aaand I made quite a few drinks. Smug.

The pay is better than I thought, too. So I'm looking forward to getting stuck in :)
Unimpressed with not being allowed to wear a watch though? Sly.

I'm in again tomorrow and Friday, too. :)

I think tonight calls for a cup of tea and a new book; I bought another Nicholas Sparks one the other day. 'The Last Song', it sounds good - About a girl who gets moved away by her parents, and finds her first love. I love his writing style - The Notebook made me sob, fully sob. What a girl, eh.
He writes quite 'emotional' stuff for a guy, his work seems focused on romance and the strength of love etc - Especially The Notebook and A Walk to Remember. Both beautiful stories, about how 'love conquers all'. I guess it's a nice change for a guy to have such a view though.

I can't wait to get into bed tonight; shattered. I'm going to be a sad git and wait for a reply first though. Impatient me, I hate waiting. If I don't get said reply, I'm going to fume abit and then give up on that. ...I say this, but I won't.

Lady Gaga has announced more tour dates - wheyyy. Buzzbuzz. So going.

..

So again, I'm awake, having had a fidget fit and struggling to get comfy to try to sleep... again. It's becoming a regular occurrence and all because I have silly thoughts about you in my head. I'm driving myself slowly mad, honestly.

Originally, I didn't even want to get involved with anyone, I'd come out of a relationship and wanted to be single, wanted to enjoy not worrying about boys, relationships, feelings, any of that. I wanted time to settle, time to grow and sort my life out - get a new job, focus on going back to university in September, have fun with my friends, all that stuff. & now, I have all that stuff, but because I got to know you, I got involved, none of that seems enough. What annoys me the most out of it all, is I'm constantly lonely and you're constantly on my mind. If my phone buzzes with a text, I hope it's you and I'm actually disappointed if it isn't - I've never once been that girl, not even when I've been in a relationship in the past. I was never one to sit around and wait, I've always had a 'if you don't want me, your loss' sort of attitude, and yet if you don't text, or come online, I find myself disappointed? I don't quite get how it is you've managed to make me feel this way.

At the beginning, we were constantly texting, on msn, or arranging to see one another, asking silly questions about favourite colours, finding out about eachother, keen to learn whatever we could whenever we could; and when we were physically together, I couldn't seem to help myself. I apparently can't even now... I've never been like that. I've always been the relatively insecure girl, who takes her time to get to know guys, who learns to trust and build a relationship before I let anything happen, yet with you, I was completely comfortable to be myself. You share my ideals, aspirations and have the same awful sense of humour - I guess we just clicked. & so when you described these perfect over night stays and days out, these thoughtful affectionate moments, I was smitten. Thoroughly smitten.

I've always been fully aware of your hectic schedule - infact, I'd be disappointed in you if you put me before your course, it's high pressured and I know you can do well, but I know you need to work hard and put alot into it in order to achieve - and so I didn't even expect alot from you. I'm not clingy, I'm not like a lost puppy who needs constant attention and affection. Infact, I quite like my space. But what I didn't like, was not knowing where I stood, not understanding what I am to you. What were we? A meaningless fling? A relationship? Friends with benefits? I got fed up waiting, fed up of being sad, of wanting a relationship with someone, who had wormed their way into my affections, earned my trust and in effect, made me want them. I got fed up of sending good luck texts and being ignored when you had exams, and so I snapped a bit I guess.

I don't regret asking you if I was wasting my time, I don't regret asking if it'd be best I didn't bother - because I'd have hated for us to have kept going on the way we were, with no guaranteed visits, no guaranteed days out, texts or general contact. It wasn't fair on either of us, really. So yes, we were sensible and agreed to be friends. That I could understand, I could agree with - It was sensible, disappointing, but smart. What made it harder was knowing you liked me too. But I wanted to give it a good go.

Though to add to all my confusion, the next time I see you, we curl up, cuddle in a corner, your friends girlfriends ask what's going on, suggest we make a good couple. You even stood there looking mardy when a guy spoke to me - two minutes later, you say something to him, and he doesn't come near me again that night? Whilst your arm was around me? Confusion at its finest. How are we supposed to stay friends, when we clearly struggle not to kiss? When all I can think about is how I'd clearly rather do more than cuddle you? But at the same time I'm generally happy to be in your company? & then when we see one another again, we go back to texting, go back to being clearly more than friends, despite everything that's been said. - and then you decide it's a good idea not to bother replying?

I wish I could figure you out. Seriously. I've given you so many opportunities to just outright say it if you don't like me, or don't want me to bother - yet each time, you convince me you want me around, you want me to make an effort - you enjoy my company etc. Then you ignore things I say? You actually wonder why I'm so sodding confused by you?

I frustrate myself beyond belief - purely because, I didn't even want anything. I didn't even want to fancy anyone originally - and now, I'm clearly smitten, unaware of where I stand, and certain that there's no chance of this becoming a fully functioning relationship anytime soon. So what do I do? Do I keep turning people down when they ask me if they can buy me a drink? Do I keep pushing people away? Or do I give them a chance? Am I being ridiculous by saying no?

Part of me still wishes I'm not being ridiculous, that there's a chance you and I will sort ourselves out, you will sort your time out, and we'll go somewhere, but the other part of me is trying to be sensible ... like we agreed, and thinks I should probably move on and forget you. I don't really want to though.

I wish I had the guts to show you this, I really do. Though, if I did, you'd probably think I'd gone completely insane, have turned into a complete cling and run a mile away from me. So perhaps its a good job I've not got the guts to show you it, eh.