So again, I'm awake, having had a fidget fit and struggling to get comfy to try to sleep... again. It's becoming a regular occurrence and all because I have silly thoughts about you in my head. I'm driving myself slowly mad, honestly.
Originally, I didn't even want to get involved with anyone, I'd come out of a relationship and wanted to be single, wanted to enjoy not worrying about boys, relationships, feelings, any of that. I wanted time to settle, time to grow and sort my life out - get a new job, focus on going back to university in September, have fun with my friends, all that stuff. & now, I have all that stuff, but because I got to know you, I got involved, none of that seems enough. What annoys me the most out of it all, is I'm constantly lonely and you're constantly on my mind. If my phone buzzes with a text, I hope it's you and I'm actually disappointed if it isn't - I've never once been that girl, not even when I've been in a relationship in the past. I was never one to sit around and wait, I've always had a 'if you don't want me, your loss' sort of attitude, and yet if you don't text, or come online, I find myself disappointed? I don't quite get how it is you've managed to make me feel this way.
At the beginning, we were constantly texting, on msn, or arranging to see one another, asking silly questions about favourite colours, finding out about eachother, keen to learn whatever we could whenever we could; and when we were physically together, I couldn't seem to help myself. I apparently can't even now... I've never been like that. I've always been the relatively insecure girl, who takes her time to get to know guys, who learns to trust and build a relationship before I let anything happen, yet with you, I was completely comfortable to be myself. You share my ideals, aspirations and have the same awful sense of humour - I guess we just clicked. & so when you described these perfect over night stays and days out, these thoughtful affectionate moments, I was smitten. Thoroughly smitten.
I've always been fully aware of your hectic schedule - infact, I'd be disappointed in you if you put me before your course, it's high pressured and I know you can do well, but I know you need to work hard and put alot into it in order to achieve - and so I didn't even expect alot from you. I'm not clingy, I'm not like a lost puppy who needs constant attention and affection. Infact, I quite like my space. But what I didn't like, was not knowing where I stood, not understanding what I am to you. What were we? A meaningless fling? A relationship? Friends with benefits? I got fed up waiting, fed up of being sad, of wanting a relationship with someone, who had wormed their way into my affections, earned my trust and in effect, made me want them. I got fed up of sending good luck texts and being ignored when you had exams, and so I snapped a bit I guess.
I don't regret asking you if I was wasting my time, I don't regret asking if it'd be best I didn't bother - because I'd have hated for us to have kept going on the way we were, with no guaranteed visits, no guaranteed days out, texts or general contact. It wasn't fair on either of us, really. So yes, we were sensible and agreed to be friends. That I could understand, I could agree with - It was sensible, disappointing, but smart. What made it harder was knowing you liked me too. But I wanted to give it a good go.
Though to add to all my confusion, the next time I see you, we curl up, cuddle in a corner, your friends girlfriends ask what's going on, suggest we make a good couple. You even stood there looking mardy when a guy spoke to me - two minutes later, you say something to him, and he doesn't come near me again that night? Whilst your arm was around me? Confusion at its finest. How are we supposed to stay friends, when we clearly struggle not to kiss? When all I can think about is how I'd clearly rather do more than cuddle you? But at the same time I'm generally happy to be in your company? & then when we see one another again, we go back to texting, go back to being clearly more than friends, despite everything that's been said. - and then you decide it's a good idea not to bother replying?
I wish I could figure you out. Seriously. I've given you so many opportunities to just outright say it if you don't like me, or don't want me to bother - yet each time, you convince me you want me around, you want me to make an effort - you enjoy my company etc. Then you ignore things I say? You actually wonder why I'm so sodding confused by you?
I frustrate myself beyond belief - purely because, I didn't even want anything. I didn't even want to fancy anyone originally - and now, I'm clearly smitten, unaware of where I stand, and certain that there's no chance of this becoming a fully functioning relationship anytime soon. So what do I do? Do I keep turning people down when they ask me if they can buy me a drink? Do I keep pushing people away? Or do I give them a chance? Am I being ridiculous by saying no?
Part of me still wishes I'm not being ridiculous, that there's a chance you and I will sort ourselves out, you will sort your time out, and we'll go somewhere, but the other part of me is trying to be sensible ... like we agreed, and thinks I should probably move on and forget you. I don't really want to though.
I wish I had the guts to show you this, I really do. Though, if I did, you'd probably think I'd gone completely insane, have turned into a complete cling and run a mile away from me. So perhaps its a good job I've not got the guts to show you it, eh.