fml. again? i don't do things by halves, do i!

Happy 89th Birthday. I hope you're having a good time up there, if you were right about it existing. I hope you found your sweetheart again. I love you.

I sometimes, no, I always wish you were still here. You always knew just what to say and when to say it, when I needed a plain old hug or whether I needed advice. You always knew. I could do with you right now, if I'm honest. I miss our Friday nights in, with our naughty trip to the sweet shop, and us watching Morse and South Park - Our idea of a compromise. & our Saturdays to town, or even just the corner shop and watching films if you were having a bad day. You're still the only person mad enough to let me watch The Sound of Music with you! I really, really miss everything about you. I always will. I just hope you've found a place with your sweetheart where there's no aches or pain. I can't believe it's been three years already. Time flies, I guess.

I hope you, my Granddad & my Grandpa are all looking down on us, if you were right, or atleast looking out for us in your own way. We could all do with an angel on our shoulder at times, and I'm lucky enough to have three.

i have no fight left in me whatsoever.
i'm clearly a mug where that one is concerned.

I have done several things in the past two weeks that I have always said I would never do.
I can't currently decide whether I regret or not. I don't think I do. I don't see why I should, nobody is getting hurt, I don't think. One person may be, though. His problem? I wish that didn't have an affect on me.

We'll see.

i could probably do with a massive massive vent atm, but, i'm supposed to be getting ready for work, so all i'm going to say on the matter is, thanks for that, i thought you had more respect for me than that. if i don't get a worthwhile respsonse within a week, well, less really, i'm going to be ridiculously miffed/upset, but i suppose if it comes to that, everything i didn't want to accept has just been put infront of me - big fat refreshing slap in the face. maybe i needed it.

on the other hand, just been paid, hurrah. defo been taxed, boo. i still need to claim back moneys off adams too, hm. last payment to jmu is on the 1st too, thank god that'll be over with. but i bet sfe will start soon. :/ ridic. everybody i've spoken to in my situation has said they've not had to pay back until they've gone back and finished their education. sly! so i have to chase that up i guess.

easter soon, woo cause people'll be home, boo cause i'll be working loads. SLY that. i'm grateful for the hours, but they defo need to take more staff on, i'm not supposed to be full time. :/ anywho, i best go get ready for work. odd how today is the longest sleep ive had in about two weeks and i'm more tired than i was originally. well, maybe abit less tired, several 5am starts don't bide well with me like, but so. i'm tired and i don't get it. :')

atleast emma's coming round later. i spy a sulk/a rant/a film/munch and general cheering up.

Starbucks

I started today, hurrah. It wasn't too bad - I think it went quite well, everybody was friendly, I didn't burn anyone/anything aaand I made quite a few drinks. Smug.

The pay is better than I thought, too. So I'm looking forward to getting stuck in :)
Unimpressed with not being allowed to wear a watch though? Sly.

I'm in again tomorrow and Friday, too. :)

I think tonight calls for a cup of tea and a new book; I bought another Nicholas Sparks one the other day. 'The Last Song', it sounds good - About a girl who gets moved away by her parents, and finds her first love. I love his writing style - The Notebook made me sob, fully sob. What a girl, eh.
He writes quite 'emotional' stuff for a guy, his work seems focused on romance and the strength of love etc - Especially The Notebook and A Walk to Remember. Both beautiful stories, about how 'love conquers all'. I guess it's a nice change for a guy to have such a view though.

I can't wait to get into bed tonight; shattered. I'm going to be a sad git and wait for a reply first though. Impatient me, I hate waiting. If I don't get said reply, I'm going to fume abit and then give up on that. ...I say this, but I won't.

Lady Gaga has announced more tour dates - wheyyy. Buzzbuzz. So going.

..

So again, I'm awake, having had a fidget fit and struggling to get comfy to try to sleep... again. It's becoming a regular occurrence and all because I have silly thoughts about you in my head. I'm driving myself slowly mad, honestly.

Originally, I didn't even want to get involved with anyone, I'd come out of a relationship and wanted to be single, wanted to enjoy not worrying about boys, relationships, feelings, any of that. I wanted time to settle, time to grow and sort my life out - get a new job, focus on going back to university in September, have fun with my friends, all that stuff. & now, I have all that stuff, but because I got to know you, I got involved, none of that seems enough. What annoys me the most out of it all, is I'm constantly lonely and you're constantly on my mind. If my phone buzzes with a text, I hope it's you and I'm actually disappointed if it isn't - I've never once been that girl, not even when I've been in a relationship in the past. I was never one to sit around and wait, I've always had a 'if you don't want me, your loss' sort of attitude, and yet if you don't text, or come online, I find myself disappointed? I don't quite get how it is you've managed to make me feel this way.

At the beginning, we were constantly texting, on msn, or arranging to see one another, asking silly questions about favourite colours, finding out about eachother, keen to learn whatever we could whenever we could; and when we were physically together, I couldn't seem to help myself. I apparently can't even now... I've never been like that. I've always been the relatively insecure girl, who takes her time to get to know guys, who learns to trust and build a relationship before I let anything happen, yet with you, I was completely comfortable to be myself. You share my ideals, aspirations and have the same awful sense of humour - I guess we just clicked. & so when you described these perfect over night stays and days out, these thoughtful affectionate moments, I was smitten. Thoroughly smitten.

I've always been fully aware of your hectic schedule - infact, I'd be disappointed in you if you put me before your course, it's high pressured and I know you can do well, but I know you need to work hard and put alot into it in order to achieve - and so I didn't even expect alot from you. I'm not clingy, I'm not like a lost puppy who needs constant attention and affection. Infact, I quite like my space. But what I didn't like, was not knowing where I stood, not understanding what I am to you. What were we? A meaningless fling? A relationship? Friends with benefits? I got fed up waiting, fed up of being sad, of wanting a relationship with someone, who had wormed their way into my affections, earned my trust and in effect, made me want them. I got fed up of sending good luck texts and being ignored when you had exams, and so I snapped a bit I guess.

I don't regret asking you if I was wasting my time, I don't regret asking if it'd be best I didn't bother - because I'd have hated for us to have kept going on the way we were, with no guaranteed visits, no guaranteed days out, texts or general contact. It wasn't fair on either of us, really. So yes, we were sensible and agreed to be friends. That I could understand, I could agree with - It was sensible, disappointing, but smart. What made it harder was knowing you liked me too. But I wanted to give it a good go.

Though to add to all my confusion, the next time I see you, we curl up, cuddle in a corner, your friends girlfriends ask what's going on, suggest we make a good couple. You even stood there looking mardy when a guy spoke to me - two minutes later, you say something to him, and he doesn't come near me again that night? Whilst your arm was around me? Confusion at its finest. How are we supposed to stay friends, when we clearly struggle not to kiss? When all I can think about is how I'd clearly rather do more than cuddle you? But at the same time I'm generally happy to be in your company? & then when we see one another again, we go back to texting, go back to being clearly more than friends, despite everything that's been said. - and then you decide it's a good idea not to bother replying?

I wish I could figure you out. Seriously. I've given you so many opportunities to just outright say it if you don't like me, or don't want me to bother - yet each time, you convince me you want me around, you want me to make an effort - you enjoy my company etc. Then you ignore things I say? You actually wonder why I'm so sodding confused by you?

I frustrate myself beyond belief - purely because, I didn't even want anything. I didn't even want to fancy anyone originally - and now, I'm clearly smitten, unaware of where I stand, and certain that there's no chance of this becoming a fully functioning relationship anytime soon. So what do I do? Do I keep turning people down when they ask me if they can buy me a drink? Do I keep pushing people away? Or do I give them a chance? Am I being ridiculous by saying no?

Part of me still wishes I'm not being ridiculous, that there's a chance you and I will sort ourselves out, you will sort your time out, and we'll go somewhere, but the other part of me is trying to be sensible ... like we agreed, and thinks I should probably move on and forget you. I don't really want to though.

I wish I had the guts to show you this, I really do. Though, if I did, you'd probably think I'd gone completely insane, have turned into a complete cling and run a mile away from me. So perhaps its a good job I've not got the guts to show you it, eh.

This blog is so whiney. Seriously. All I seem to do lately is whine. :s
Even though last night was fun, I was incredibly lonely. Yeah, I was surrounded by people, like my nearest and dearest, but everyone paired off. I'm so happy for the lot of them, cause each little pairing is smitten and it's gorgeous to see, but the selfish bit of me hated it yesterday.

I know I should just forget it, but clearly I can't. I enjoyed every part of whatever it was that was there and I still do when I see them. But there's no need for ignorance. I'm slowly crawling into a shell lately. I can't stop it either. I think I need to get away for a while.

really, really shouldnt let that disappoint me.

i do

enjoy john tucker must die.
i don't however, enjoy the way a certain person doesn't know how to shut up.
i thoroughly don't see the need for her to bring him up at every available opportunity. no, he is not out shagging all kinds, and no, i hadn't been thinking about him, but thanks for bringing it up. now i have that thought on my mind. really, i appreciate it. the worst, is when i haven't even thought about him, and she insists on making a joke, bringing him up. does she not realise how annoying it is? i can do without it.

so, it looks like i have the job at starbucks, hurrah. fingers crossed i get the call on tuesday, but the manager seemed pretty impressed and said its basically a yes. so hurrah :) :)
it'll start on a temp contract (purely down to other stores shutting/their staff being up for first choice with the jobs, they'll all turned them down though) but i don't mind aslong as it becomes a permanent one!

i wish a certain someone was back on holiday. i love her to pieces, but she's been home a day. and i'm going mad already! stop talking about rubbish! grr.

i'm unimpressed with this valentines. thoroughly unimpressed. sitting at home with a book, the sims3 and my nan, oh how romantic. this time last year i was in paris. major major sulk.

if anyone asks, i'll tell them we both just moved on. when people all stare, i'll pretend i don't hear them talk. whenever i see you, i swallow my pride and bite my tongue. i pretend i'm okay with it all. act like there's nothing wrong. is it over yet? can i open my eyes? is this as hard as it gets? is this what it feels like, to really, cry? cry.

if anyone asks, i'll tell them we just grew apart, yeah, what do i c are, if they believe me or not? whenever i feel your memory is breaking my heart, i pretend i'm okay with it all, act like there's nothing wrong. is it over yet? can i open my eyes? is this as hard as it gets? is this what it feels like, to really, cry? cry.

i'm talking in circles, i'm lying they know it, why won't this just stop for a week? is it over yet? can i open my eyes? is this as hard as it gets? is this what it feels like to really, cry? cry?

sundays

The Boom-town Rats definately should have made that christ awful song about Sundays instead of Mondays. Sundays by far are the most boring day ever. I'm even tempted to do some work. I might do some art in my sketchpad instead though, if Nan doesn't mind me making a mess again.

Yesterday was a nice change, it was a good surprise not to have to go into work! & I definately think seeing Emma and Ged cheered me up loads, even if we do all pick on each other. I love the way the three of us just bully one another but if one of us needs a shoulder to lean on or something, we're all the first there to offer one.

I've still not heard from Cath Kidston. I was cheeky though and gave a CV into the store as well as the online app. We'll see! I'm still mulling over Matt's offer. More hours and money would not go amiss whatsoever; I'd be able to pay jmu off without worrying, to give my Nan money without being short and to get out of my overdraft, as well as have so much more of my time actually be my own.

However, I'd have a much more important role in his company which would terrify me if I made mistakes, cause so much more would depend on me and I wouldn't want to somehow render all the hard work he's put in, useless. I hate talking to strangers on the phone, too. Especially if I've no idea about or interest in what it's about. Don't get me wrong, I'm interested in his business, I hope it works out really incredibly well for him and I'm so proud he's done so well already, but as far as taking a personal interest in it goes, it all goes over my head. I actually don't understand most of it, which is why the work I do for him at the minute is far better suited to me. Another downside if I accept the offer, would be I'd be working from home. Everyone goes 'ahh I wish I could do that!' whenever they ask what I do, but seriously, I've never spent so much time indoors in my life :| I'd slowly but surely go stir crazy. I need to give it all a serious think.

Very serious think.

I definately do not take kindly to being rang at half four in the morning and then ignored, either. Irritation.

Also, completely off topic. Contemplating dying my hair a darker red? Maybe. If I find a good shade I'll do that again, I liked it last time. None of this pillarbox red though, I'm not that brave!

whine.

i wish that had worked out differently. i hate my inability to stay unattached.
if i could handle unattached, i'd be more patient, who knows how it would have gone?
but no.

it might be for the best but that doesn't mean i'm impressed about it.

maybe cath kidston will cheer me up. cross fingers. i wonder why i have such a poor sleeping pattern; it's 1.30 and i'm still on this thing. bed time i think.

it was in the lobby when I set my sights on you

shoulda kissed you in the elevator,
but I was too scared to
it was in the morning when I made up my mind
i want you staple-gunned right to my side all of the time

do I have to spell it out for you
or scream it in your face?
oh, the chemistry between us could destroy this place
do I have to spell it out for you
or whisper in your ear?
oh, just stop right there
i think that we've got something here

we were all alone when I finally made a pass at you
it didn't work, and no it never does,
but you know how I do
we were on the phone when I made up my mind
i want you staple-gunned right to my side all of the time

do I have to spell it out for you
or scream it in your face?
oh, the chemistry between us could destroy this place
do I have to spell it out for you
or whisper in your ear?
oh, just stop right there
i think that we've got something here

I could throttle Emma for pointing bits and bobs out sometimes. I'm the worst at torturing myself.

Thoroughly fed up, workworkwork = yawn. I've been offered a management position, from home, on quite alot a month. I'd probably be stupid to turn it down. But when I'm at home, working from my own pc, I go a bit stirr crazy. This snow has been bad enough, could I really cope with days and days indoors? Though, I'd be able to quit Adams and have my weekends free again, I'd have three day weekends and every evening free. Tempting, tempting. We'll see.

Very thinky mood today. I can't decide if that's a good or a bad thing. Is it right to wait for someone? If you think they're worth it? I think they are, but I don't want to get a month down the line and still be waiting to see what happens; I've waited before for a different person and it's hard going. If only things were simple eh!

On the other hand, waiting for someone is no doubt a better idea than going back a couple of steps, isn't it? Oh we'll see.

hm.

tension is rubbish.
it creates complications. unwanted complications.

rambleramble

So today may equal a thoroughly unproductive day, again. Everyone bar me has revision to do, Matt's sent me no work through and I'm off from Adams. So far, I've slept in later than I should have, played games with Isabella and watched 'This Morning'. Productive, productive. Though Bon Jovi was on my TV and I've taught Isabella to go 'wahhhh' and wave her hands in the air when he's on - so perhaps not a complete waste. This poor child has no chance of being 'normal', especially with me as a big cousin.

It's snowing too - hurrah! I hope it snows so much that every Uni gets cancelled and my friends will be big kids and play out with me. :')

Perhaps I should start writing stories again. I should take a leaf out of Nikki's book - she uses her spare time to write, I waste it thoroughly. Sly.

ohhh

There's no need for how badly I want to move to New York or Paris, I've always always loved the idea of the writer/journalist lifestyle; a chic apartment, vintage and modern all at once. Carrie Bradshaw had it going on! A full wardrobe of designer shoes, clothes, chic little tables, cutesy ornaments and cushions, whole walls of shelves covered in books; perfect.

I wish something would inspire me to write again; I used to thoroughly enjoy writing but nowadays I get easily distracted - clearly don't get good enough ideas anymore. I could happily read for months on end and when I do have a good idea, I thoroughly enjoy writing. Perhaps something will come along soon. I can't wait to get back to education, it sounds silly, but I'm actually envious of my friends who have coursework, homework, exams etc. Working two part time jobs, neither of which interest me, bores me so so much. I'm actually excited for the future, for starting my new English Literature course and deciding what I actually want out of life.

I definately want to travel. Definately. Spend six months in Paris, living on fruit, croissant and tea - perfection! ♥! It's one of my favourite places ever. I've not been to New York yet, but I just know it'll rank alongside Paris in my affections. I know it will.


I have so much to get in order this year though, I'll use Paris and New York as my goal. I've set myself several resolutions, whether or not I'll keep them is a different topic or not, but we'll see;

- Drop a dress size & a half again, happy times.
- Get back to university; already done I suppose, but to actually enjoy it this time, to stick at it.
- Start writing again, find inspiration.
- Perhaps practise French again, re-educate myself.
- Fix my ridiculous sleeping pattern.